The New Dwarfer
by Charlene F
Summary: COMPLETED: Set immediately after the end of Series 8. Ace arrives on board Red Dwarf with Gemma, a 23 year old woman who reveals that Lister and Kochanski are her parents. She hates them on sight, but decides to stay when she falls for Rimmer.
1. Ace's Discovery

**ACE'S DISCOVERY**

**Disclaimer: The character of Ace is owned, as always, by Grant Naylor. Gemma is owned by me.**

Ace was having a great time. Since leaving Red Dwarf after being recruited he had saved several planets and damsels in distress. He'd even managed to have sex a few times. If he kept this up he'd have reduced his bedpost to splinters. Now he was relaxing in a bar on Saturn. If only the guys could see him now, they had never believed he could succeed as Ace Rimmer.

The waitress, a tired looking woman aged about 25, came over to his table. She was fairly short, with brown hair and brown eyes. Ace couldn't tell how long her hair was because it was up in a rather messy ponytail. Ace noticed she looked dead on her feet. He couldn't tell how attractive she was, but out of her grey dress, and with a bit of sleep, she may have potential. What the Hell, Ace thought, I'll give it a go.

"You want anything else?" the girl grunted, glaring at him in a silent dare to request something else."

"Just the bill please, and maybe, some sex."

The girl gave him a strange look. It was a look that brought back memories from his old life and Arnold J. Rimmer, tosspot by royal appointment; she was disgusted. He was confused, this had never happened to him since he had become Ace.

"I'll get the bill, and if you're lucky, I won't give you a rather interesting pair of earrings made from a delicate part of your anatomy."

Ace nodded, and the girl left. Ace thought he would have to work more on his pick up lines. As the girl returned, he gave her his winning smile that had been known to cause accidents when flashed at a lady. She didn't even register it, looking right through him. He tried something he'd never tried before; getting to know the girl.

"What's your name?"

"Can't you read?"

The girl pointed to her badge, which had GEMMA printed on it in blue letters. Ace tried to ignore the fact that it had been pinned over a rather pert left breast, and think of another question. The first one that came to mind was the corny classic "What do you call the other one?" but he suspected that would be answered with a punch in the face.

"How long have you worked here?"

"Since I was 18. About 5 years."

"Where are you from?"

"Earth, like you care. Glasgow actually."

"Why are you angry?"

"Because all men are gits."

Ace blinked. Obviously this was going to be one tough nut to crack. He tried to think of the biggest male git he knew. His brain scanned his memory, trying to ignore the fact that the first name he thought of was Arnold J. Rimmer, and decided he would have to use the second person.

"They can be, can't they? I used to work aboard a ship called Red Dwarf. My bunkmate had his gitty moments. We worked through them."

Ace noticed a flicker of emotion in the girl's face.

"What was that name?"

"Red Dwarf."

The girl was interested now. She sat down at his table and leaned close to him. Ace smiled to himself, this was not going to be as hard as he had thought.

"What was your bunkmate's name?"

"Dave Lister. It wasn't this dimension actually. It's a long story, but..."

Ace realised the girl wasn't listening to him anymore. That was another first. Usually women loved his stories about coming from another dimension. They thought it was amazing that more than one dimension existed. Of course, he rarely chatted up women who were smarter than him who might know about alternate dimensions, but he was beginning to think this one might be a bit smarter than the rest.

The girl was looking thoughtful and a little sad, and Ace guessed at the reason.

"Did you know a Dave Lister?"

"Not personally, but I heard a lot about him. His ship disappeared nearly 25 years ago, and has never been traced since. My mother told me about it."

Ace had never met anyone who had heard of Red Dwarf before. He had wondered whether people back in his own solar system had ever found out it had gone missing, or what had happened to it, but had never found any references to it yet. This was getting interesting.

"So you've heard of Red Dwarf then?"

A yell came from the back of the café.

"Gemma!! Stop chatting up the customers and get your big butt back in the kitchen!!"

Gemma glanced at Ace and ran across the café into the kitchen. Ace paid his bill and left to find a woman he wouldn't have so much trouble with.

Gemma unlocked the door to her dingy one bedroom flat on Saturn and threw her keys on the little table with three legs. She looked in her bedside table for the photograph she hadn't looked at since running away from Glasgow when she was 18; her graduation photograph from Space Academy when she had won a prize for coming top in her class in astro engineering. Her mother had been happy that day, which was the first happy day Gemma had ever known her to have.

Gemma remembered the day well. She had never been interested in astro engineering, but her mother had wanted her to do it, to succeed where she had failed. But rather than be happy for her only daughter, she had only one thing on her mind; Gemma had to find her father.

Her mother had been in the Space Corps, but had left when she had fallen pregnant. A month or so later, Red Dwarf had disappeared from the solar system, never to be seen again. Kristine Z. Kochanski began a quest to find out what had happened to the ship that would last over a quarter of a century.

As soon as she had realised that was all her mother was interested in, Gemma had run away, hitching a lift on a passenger ship to Saturn, working in the kitchen to pay her way. She managed to get a job in the café, and stayed there ever since. As far as she was concerned, both her parents could rot in Hell. The problem was, now she had met someone who had been aboard Red Dwarf, and he had known Dave Lister, the man she had been told was her father. She made a decision and started to pack her things. If that arrogant, bleach haired moron knew her father, she would have to take the risk of being constantly hit on in order to find him, so she could give him a swift kick in the posterior.

Ace noticed the girl from last night standing next to his ship straight away. He also noticed that he had been right; she was fairly attractive when she had some sleep. She was dressed all in black; black boots that made her look taller, black leather trousers and bomber jacket, and a black silky looking top. Her hair was left down, and it curled down past her shoulders in lovely shiny waves. He smiled to himself. They always came running in the end. Too bad he'd exhausted himself with the twin cheerleaders from the London Jets last night, or he may have been able to fir her in. He would have to let her down gently.

"Hey there, Cooky."

"I'm coming with you."

"I'd love to fit you in, but no can do. Lots of other people to meet and all that."

"I want to meet Dave Lister. I think he's my father."

"What makes you say that?"

"My mother told me. She got pregnant by him, but they had broken up, so she took planet leave and went AWOL. Shortly after, his ship, Red Dwarf, vanished. My mother spent the rest of my life trying to find it so she could tell him about me, but never has."

He had a sneaking suspicion he knew the answer to his next question, but asked it anyway.

"Who's your mother?"

"Kristine Kochanski. My full name is Gemma Bexley Kochanski, after my father's favourite sportsman. Did you know my mother?"

"Only in passing. Why would you want to meet Lister? You seem to be doing fine without him."

"I want to punch the guy so hard he has to take off his underpants to chew. He has caused me nothing but pain and anger, and I want him to know that. He wrecked my mother's life, and mine."

The eyes that Ace had seen looking tired, and then nervous suddenly flashed with pure rage. Ace took a nanosecond to consider the consequences before answering.

"Hop in, Cooky. Let's see if we can find the old team."

As Gemma jumped into the space vehicle, Ace realised that bringing this very angry young woman to meet Dave was not the friendliest of things to do to his old bunkmate. Dave had helped him out a few times, but there were all those times when he had really irritated the old Rimmer that had never been avenged. Ace smiled. Maybe there was still some of the old Arnold J. Rimmer in him yet.


	2. Gemma's Arrival

**GEMMA'S ARRIVAL**

**Disclaimer: All characters other than Gemma were created and are owned by Grant Naylor. Gemma was created by me. This story was the first one I wrote, and it was originally a script, so it might seem a bit rushed. If you would like to read the original script, email me and I'll send it to you as a .doc file. Any feedback will be gratefully received, whether it is good or bad. **

As Rimmer ran down the corridor, he realised that kneeing Death in the groin was not the smartest move he ever made. He could still hear the taunts of the damned vending machine laughing at him. If he survived, he would personally reduce it to a can opener. Right now all he could do was try to find a way off the ship. As he ran through the ship, dreaming more and more painful ways to get rid of the vending machine, he didn't notice the roof falling. He was still trying to figure out how to get the vending machine can opener shaped like a swan when a rather large piece of metal hit him on the head, knocking him unconscious.

On the landing bay, Ace's ship had just landed. The door opened, and Ace stepped out, striking a hero type pose, hands on hips and feet shoulder width apart. Ace believed the pose made him look sexy, and after spending the journey with Gemma, who was obsessed with Lister rather than him, he needed a bit of manly reassurance. Gemma stepped out behind him, looked at the pose, disgusted that she had spent the journey trying to find out more about her father, but being told how this moron had become Ace.

"You look ridiculous." Gemma sneered.

Ace signed and stood normally.

"Got to make an entrance Cooky." Ace looked around him at the familiar ship, but still took a few seconds to work out what was different. The walls were melting and there were holes in the floor. He wondered whether Lister had been eating raw chillies again.

"Looks like a ship hit a spot of bother, eh Cooky?"

"A spot of bother? The ship is falling apart you animated Ken doll!!" All the frustration she had felt was bubbling to the surface, and Gemma was taking advantage, backing Ace against a nearby wall." I have just travelled through realities with a man who would not look out of place on the cover of _Man_ magazine, for the modern homosexual, to find a ship in the middle of Deep Space that is about to disintegrate!!"

"Relax, we'll find the blighter causing this little barbecue."

"Before or after we find the charred remains of my father?"

Gemma stomped off down the corridor, trying to find any clue to what had caused the disaster, or the presence of anyone alive. She wasn't concentrating on where she was going, and tripped over something. She turned round, ready to kick whatever it was, but knelt down instead. It was a person, a man. She could see a slight resemblance to Ace, but this man didn't have any of Ace's arrogance, and that awful bleached hair. He had knocked out by something, judging by the lump on his head. Gemma found she was a little more interested in finding out what had happened, and set off to look for the medical bay of the ship and a stretcher.

Ace was still in the corridor, annoyed that there were no mirrors nearby so he could make sure his hairdo hadn't gone flat yet. He had to find Lister, otherwise he would be forced to apologise to Gemma and take her home again. He didn't want to do that because he could still feel the bruises on his ribs where she had taken to punching him when she criticised his driving.

"I know what you're looking for."

Ace turned, looking for the source of the sing song metallic voice. It was a vending machine on the wall that somehow still worked. Its voice was slightly muffled from some tape that had been stuck in the voice unit, which Ace removed.

"By God that's amazing!! Do you sell Bounty bars? I haven't had one in years."

"I don't sell things to people anymore, not since the last one. But I do know what you need to repair the ship."

"What?"

"Can't remember."

"But you said you knew. If this ship disintegrates, we all die."

"Maybe. Do you have any money?"

"No, I never carry money, it ruins the line of my outfit."

"Look, a smegpot with a third of your brains and a tenth of your looks stole from me. He yanked the money right out of me. I knocked him out, and was planning on shouting the formula to him as he was choking on the smoke, but he got away. You get the money, I'll tell you the formula."

Ace thought for a moment; the story sounded familiar. Then he remembered he used to have a coin on a string for when he wanted free chocolate. Some smegger had stolen his trick!! That was impossible, he used it when no one was around, not even Lister had known. Was it possible that he had been replaced by himself?

Gemma was busy checking the man she had found for injuries. The only one she could find was the lump on the side of his head, which she didn't think was too serious. She noticed the name badge neatly stitched to his shirt which had RIMMER printed on it. So this was old peroxide head then. She was stunned that anyone who looked like this man did would want to do that to himself. She was just checking his files on the computer when Ace strolled in.

"Found a survivor?"

"Yeah, you."

So it was true then. Ace had to find out how this was possible. He got another shock that rendered him speechless for a full minute; all he could do was stare at the figure on the bed. Where was the H on his forehead? Was this a new kind of hologram projection that omitted the tattoo that he had hated so much? After all, his Ace lightbee didn't use that mark so no one would find out Ace was a hologram. He looked through the pockets while Gemma wasn't looking, found the yo-yo money and left. Now he wanted to find Lister because he had some questions.

Gemma was still reading up on Armold J. Rimmer when she heard a groan from behind her. She looked on the bed to find Arnold just waking up. She sat on the side of the bed so she would be the first thing he saw.

Rimmer had the mother of all headaches. He couldn't see a thing apart from a black blur with a lighter blur around it. He heard a voice. It was female and quite soothing, a Scottish accent, he realised. As his vision straightened out, the voice also became clearer.

"Arnold? Can you hear me? Speak, let me know you're OK."

"Who are you? Where am I?"

Gemma grinned, something she rarely did anymore. He was going to be OK.

"My name's Gemma. You're in the medical bay."

Rimmer tried to sit up. Now that he was awake and out of danger, he had to get a sledgehammer to start his operation on the vending machine. Gemma pushed him back, gently enough so he didn't get offended, but insistent enough that he didn't dare disobey. She smiled at him and turned back to the computer. He wondered who she was; he was sure he had never seen her before. Maybe his assault on the vending machine could wait for a while.

Ace had returned to the vending machine and paid it. Now he had to remember where the science room was to make the formula written in very small letters on the paper. He couldn't begin to pronounce it, but it was all he had to go on. He heard a noise behind him like a footstep, and followed it. He heard the murmur of voices, which silenced as he walked. He took out his gun, mentally berating himself for never learning how to fire it yet, and paced down the corridor as silently as he could in his hard soled boots that were made to get him noticed. He came face to face with a gerbil like grin he never thought he would see again.

"Ace? Jesus, man, what are you doing here?"

"Nice to see you again Davey boy. I'm doing great, but we got a bit of a caper on here."

"I see you've settled into the Ace bit easily enough."

"There's been a few bumps along the way, but I'm getting there. Listen, you should go down to the medical bay, there's someone there you should meet."

"Alright, I'll just get the rest of the guys."

Kryten, Cat and Kochanski came round the corner and Ace was suddenly glad to see the old crew again. He had been through so much since he had last seen them, and obviously they had a few stories to tell, such as how could Kochanksi be here?

"Hey there Kryters. Cat, how's the wardrobe?"

"Don't ask." Cat grimaced.

"Please sirs, I must press the urgency of the situation we are in." Kryten piped up from behind the group.

"Of course, Kryters old boy. I managed to get the formula for the antidote, but chemistry isn't really my bag. Think you can handle it?"

"I'll certainly try sir." Kryten left with the formula, trying not to look too pleased.

"Hi Kris, haven't seen you in years." Ace said as he extended his hand to the last member of the group.

"Have we met?" asked Kochanski. She was sure she would have remembered someone like him.

"I used to work on this crate. Now, tell me what you've been up to."

As Lister told Ace about meeting Kochanski, the nanobots and finding Red Dwarf intact, including a live Rimmer, Ace couldn't help getting a little jealous. He had gone through the transformation to escape the ship, and back here there was another version of him who was alive again. He suddenly didn't want to meet him, or he may do something he would regret. He couldn't avoid it though; he wanted to see Lister's face when he met Gemma too much.

"So who do you want me to meet, Ace? Your girlfriend or something?" Lister asked, hoping it wasn't. He couldn't bear the thought of Rimmer getting laid more than him, even if it was as Ace.

"No Davey, just someone I met. She's in the medical bay with Arnie."

The group entered the medical bay and only Ace noticed Gemma moving to the corner of the room. He smiled to himself; obviously she was more nervous about this than she was letting on.

"Mr. Rimmer, sir, you're OK." Kryten said as he moved towards the medicomp to monitor his progress. He was puzzled to see it was already on.

Gemma moved forward thinking she may as well get this over with. She had to decide whether she wanted to stay on the ship after Ace left, and might as well start now.

"The monitor is already on. He has mild concussion, but if he stays awake for another four hours or so, he'll be fine." She stepped forward with her hand extended, then noticed Kryten properly.

"What happened to you? You look like a sculpture made by Edward Scissorhands."

"I am a 4000 Series mechanoid, Miss. My name is Kryten."

Now Gemma understood. By the time she had gone to Space Academy the 4000 Series were no longer being built or used because the cleanliness chip was too sensitive, making them obsessed with housework. Personally she despised using machines to cover for humans' laziness so she could tell this android would annoy her.

"I'm Gemma. I came with Goldilocks over there." She replied, indicating Ace, who was barely concealing his glee.

Cat sidled up to the newcomer and put an arm around her. He had already forgotten her name, but here was new female to try his charms on, and he wasn't going to let the opportunity go by.

"Hi, baby. I'm the Cat. Expert in clothes and lovin'."

Gemma looked at the Cat, unsure whether to be amused or disgusted. Sure, he was charismatic, but she hated his arrogance and feeling of self worth that obviously occupied his every cell. Things were not looking good. She picked up his hand by one finger, and dropped it from her shoulder.

"You have got to be joking." She said, turning away from him, leaving him shellshocked.

"First Console Officer Kristine Kochanksi. Nice to meet you." Kochanski extended a hand, wondering why Gemma was refusing to take it.

Gemma was stunned. She couldn't believe her mother was on board the ship, Ace had never mentioned her. She looked at him, and could tell he didn't know about her either. Her mother had been lonely, prematurely grey and getting her first wrinkles. She had been grumpy, and scruffy and was rarely happy, but this woman was pretty, smiling and kind looking. This must be the Kochanski her father had a relationship with. She wasn't sure she could handle this new Kochanksi, it was too much to take in. If she could have, she would have run from the room, from the ship and back to Saturn, but it wasn't over yet. If her mother was like this, maybe her father wouldn't be too bad.

"Hi. Dave Lister." Lister stepped forward to greet the visitor, and could almost feel the temperature drop from her glare.

"You're Dave Lister? You can't be."

Lister was confused by this statement. He never met this girl before but he got the feeling she was somehow angry with him, and in some way, even disappointed in him.

As far as Gemma was concerned, this gerbil was the ultimate insult. After meeting her mother, she had been cheered very slightly, thinking that if her mother had looked like that, her father must have been something special. Now she regretted her decision to come to this godforsaken ship.

"Do you know me?" Lister asked.

"Not in person, but I know of you. You two are my parents." Gemma replied, pointing to Lister and Kochanski.

Kryten and Cat caught Lister and Kochanski as both fainted.

"Surprise." Gemma whispered.

When Lister and Kochanski had been woken up and taken to the sleeping quarters, Lister demanded a DNA test. He didn't know why, but he hoped this was one of Ace's stupid jokes. As Kryten was analysing results, Gemma explained where she had come from, and what little she knew of her father.

"So what was I like?" Kochanski wanted to know.

"You want the short version or the long version?" Gemma asked.

"Short."

"You were a bitch."

"What?" Kochanski was genuinely hurt.

"I haven't spoken to you since I was 18. I moved from Glasgow to Saturn to get rid of you! All I ever got from you was your disappointment and I did everything I could to make you proud of me, but all you cared about was finding Red Dwarf. Even when I finally excelled, you told me I had to find my father since you couldn't. You ruined my life and hated me for existing and believe me the feeling was mutual!!"

She was yelling, and she knew Kochanski was hurt, but Gemma didn't care anymore. She had come here to finally meet the man her mother had wasted her life on, and found out he wasn't worth it in the first place. Now her only thought was to get as far away from these people as she could. She left the room, intending to head to the landing bay, but found herself walking towards the medical bay instead.

Rimmer was up and about, ready to leave the medical bay when Gemma came in. Kryten had been here to analyse the DNA samples, so Rimmer knew the results before the rest of the crew. He couldn't believe that Lister could have a daughter in another dimension. It seemed so unbelievable that he could screw up a level-headed woman to the extent Gemma said he had. Even Lister couldn't be that destructive, surely? Gemma looked upset and angry when she came in, and Rimmer wasn't sure what he could say to her, so he thought it best to stay silent.

The sight of Rimmer had calmed Gemma a little. She didn't know why his presence had that effect on her, but it helped, and she was glad of it. Up until then she had been ready to get away by any means possible, just to get away from the scum that comprised the crew of Red Dwarf. Maybe it was because he was the only one she had nothing against. She heard the rest of the group enter the room behind her and turned to face them. Kochanski was the first to speak.

"Sorry we got off on the wrong foot there, Gemma. We were a bit shocked, that's all."

"You were shocked? How do you think I feel?"

"We know you're our daughter now, you could stick around and get to know us all a bit better. Even Lister's not that bad when you get to know him."

"Point is Cooky, you have to decide whether you want to stay here or not pretty soon. Like now." Ace stepped in. He had had his fun, now he wanted to go back to have some fun of a different kind.

As Gemma stood in front of the group, she had no desire to get to know these people. The low opinion she had once held of her mother had plummeted to below zero. She hated androids, she knew Cat would annoy her, and her parents were too much of a shock. She wanted to leave, and she could tell by their false smiles that the crew wanted her to leave too. She looked at her feet, and looked up again when she heard a sound. Arnold had moved around to join the rest of the group, his face difficult to read. She looked firmly into Ace's face and gave her reply.

"I'll stay, if that's alright with the crew."

Ace grinned. He wished he could stay for the fun, to see who would beat up whom first, but he couldn't.

"Thought you might. Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast."

As the group watched Ace's ship leave, there was only one person who didn't regret Gemma's decision to stay. Rimmer could see the two had taken an instant dislike to each other, with Gemma being disappointed and Lister being offended by her insults. He smiled to himself and started thinking about how much fun this could be.


	3. Discontent

**DISCONTENT**

**Disclaimer: As always, the regular characters belong to GNP, Gemma belongs to me, blah blah blah.**

Kochanski wasn't happy. She and Gemma were sharing sleeping quarters, which Gemma moaned about, but had agreed to in the end. She hadn't mentioned the snoring. Gemma was making noises that could only be described as an obese warthog with a bad cold, and Kochanski couldn't sleep because of it.

"This she gets from her father. How is it possible to do this for eight hours a night?"

She had new respect for Rimmer, if Lister was half as bad as this buzz saw with arms. She reached over Gemma, who turned in her sleep, smacking Kochanski in the face on the process. Kochanski pinched Gemma's nose until the snoring stopped. She smiled and got back into bed.

Gemma opened her eyes and grinned. Winding up Kochanski was easy, and it never got old.

In the cafeteria the next morning, Kryten was busy serving everyone's breakfast. He was feeling sorry for Miss Kochanski, who seemed to be falling asleep in her muesli. Gemma, on the other hand, was looking decidedly happy, slouching in a chair with her feet up on the table.

Lister tucked into his pancakes with syrup and a beer milkshake when he noticed that Gemma didn't have anything to eat again.

"You not eating anything?"

Gemma took her feet off the table, sat up properly and pointed at Kryten.

"He is a sanitation droid. Who knows where those hands have been?"

Kryten walked back into the kitchen, feeling a bit down in the dumps. Ever since Gemma had arrived, any sense of humour had disappeared from the crew. As he left he heard Gemma getting another dig in at Lister.

"You are going to give yourself a heart attack if you eat all that, Fatboy."

Lister put down his fork and turned to face her.

"Well, that's got to be a record. Not even through breakfast, and you've insulted everyone already."

"My work here is done."

Gemma stood up and left the cafeteria. She headed towards the sleeping quarters, intending to put crumbs on Kochanski's bed, when she had a thought. She headed for the men's quarters instead. There had to be something in Lister's quarters to prove he dated her mother. She went into the room and started rooting around in Lister's drawers, doing her best to ignore the smell. She found a watch in a sock drawer, and switched it on. A bald head appeared on the mirror of the room.

"Morning Dave...you're not Dave."

"Nope, sorry. I'm Gemma. Aren't you the bald git from the Drive Room?"

"I'm the original bald git, from the first Red Dwarf. You're the pain in the backside of a daughter then."

"My reputation precedes me. I have a question, and you might answer me. The other version doesn't like me very much. Did Lister and Kochanski ever date?"

"Yes. For five weeks, just before planet leave on Mimas."

"Mimas? That's where my mother left the Space Corps and went AWOL."

Holly started to answer, but Gemma heard a noise in the corridor and switched the watch off. She hid in the cupboard, hoping to hear Lister mention her mother.

The crew walked into the sleeping quarters. Lister sat up on his bunk.

"How is it possible we produced someone so irritating? She's like Rimmer on a bad day."

"She's not that bad Lister. She just can't adjust to having you as a father. Let's face it, who would?" Rimmer replied.

"But she insults the crew, sir. How many times have explained to her that I always irradiate my hands?" Kryten was still upset about being insulted earlier.

"It's not like we forced her to stay. She makes like she's doing us a favour or something. She would if she left." Cat was convinced Gemma was a lesbian. Why else would she turn him down?

"I hate to speak ill of my blood, but I don't think I can take much more of this. She's driving me bonkers." Lister was sick of the fights, and having to tiptoe around Gemma, but getting insulted anyway.

"Maybe we could ask her to return to her own dimension." Kryten piped up.

"That'll be a nice conversation, won't it? Hi, your father and I think you're about as nice as a rabid monkey, please vacate the ship. Any volunteers?" Kochanski was being sarcastic, and was slightly worried when Cat raised his hand and Lister looked happier than she'd seen him for days. When Rimmer defended her, she was ready to get a drugs test for hallucinogens in her system.

"Think about it. You say Kochanski didn't fit in when she first appeared, what makes you think Gemma's any different? She's just discovered that the father she never knew isn't worth knowing in the first place. Try asking her to be a bit friendlier."

"Have you ever tried telling a tiger it has to turn vegetarian?" Cat quipped.

The crew left the room, discussing ways to get Gemma off the ship. Gemma left the cupboard and strapped the watch on her wrist. She would need the help of the computer.

Gemma dressed overalls and headed down to the landing bay. There was only one vehicle, a beat up old Starbug, which she could see had once been in three pieces, but had been welded together. The engine was clapped out, but Gemma thought she might be able to do something with it. She quickly got to work. She would be busy all day, but she doubted the crew would notice.

Hours later, Gemma switched on the engine to the newly fixed Starbug. Holly appeared on the monitor, looking confused.

"Here, what's going on?"

"I've tapped you into Starbug's controls, so I can't be followed. Could you run autopilot on this thing?"

"I suppose so. You fixed Starbug?"

"Just cleaned it up a bit. I've repaired the take off and landing mechanisms, given the engine a service to improve its speed a bit, attached a monitor to the radar so I can navigate and drive at once, and installed a hot chocolate dispenser."

"Smarty pants."

"My mother sent me to Space Academy at 15. I stayed for three years and studied astro engineering and mechanics. Graduated the top student in my class."

"Then what?"

"I became a waitress on Saturn. I had no interest in the Space Corps."

Gemma drove Starbug out of the landing bay and into Deep Space. Holly locked on to a planet with a breathable atmosphere, and headed for it.

"So what's the deal with you and the crew? You haven't even been to Rimmer's organ recital night yet."

Gemma considered her answer for a minute. She hadn't really thought about it herself.

"I guess it's because I never really got on with my mother much. She was constantly trying to find news about Red Dwarf to find my father, which made her miserable when she never found out the truth after following every lead she found. Seeing her happy and successful kinda makes me sick."

She fished an old photograph out her jacket pocket, and held it up to the monitor. It was Gemma in a gown standing next to a woman with grey hair and a frown.

"This is Kristine Z. Kochanski the way I knew her. My mother."

"Yikes, I never thought Lister could have that affect on a woman. Best not show this to Lister. Kochanski either for that matter, or they may either run for hills or kill you."

"Right after this was taken my mother told me I had to find my father, since she couldn't. No congratulations or anything. I left that night."

"Hang about, ten minutes to landing."

Starbug landed on the planet, Gemma activated the cloak, to make the ship invisible. She picked up her jacket, strapped on Holly's watch and left the ship. She stepped out onto the grass, and stopped to look around. She had landed in a deserted playground, and it looked oddly familiar.

"This park looks like one I used to play in." She put her hands in her pockets and found something. She pulled out a bunch of keys.

"These are for a Mercedes!! I always wanted one of them, but where did they come from? What the hell is going on?"

"Dunno. Try the keys."

Gemma walked to the edge of the park to find a silver Mercedes in the car park. She looked around, but saw no one and tried the keys. The doors opened, and Gemma got in. She knew where she was heading.

She got out of the car in a nice looking street, and looked up at the house she stopped at.

"This is my old house. Has the planet somehow recreated my childhood?"

"How d'you explain the car then?"

Gemma took a deep breath and opened the door to the house. She walked into a kitchen that sparkled. Everywhere around the corner tops gleamed, and there were appliances on every surface; toaster, deep fat fryer, kettle, microwave, the list seemed endless.

This can't be my home after all, everything matches, and it's clean. Back home we had a multi coloured kitchen and grubby counters." Gemma admitted, and was somehow upset by it. She heard footsteps behind her and was heading for the door when she heard a voice to stop her in her tracks.

"Gemma! Back from your adventures I see. I've been so worried about you. How is the exciting life in Deep Space then?" A beaming Kochanski stepped into the kitchen. This Kochanski was nothing like either of the other two she had known so far. She was grinning from ear to ear, dressed in a flowery apron. She even had flour on her cheek, like Gemma had seen in movies set in the fifties.

"I thought I heard you come in. So how's it going kid?" The new voice came from a Lister look alike. This Lister had a moustache and glasses, and was dressed in trousers, shirt and tank top, of all things. Gemma couldn't help wondering what the Lister on Red Dwarf would think of this version.

"How's the saxophone playing? Still at it, eh? Maybe we could have a bit of a blast later on, you on sax, me on guitar."

"Saxophone? Mum wouldn't let me have a saxophone. She said if my father's talents were anything to go by it would sound like I was wringing out a pig."

"Nonsense, dear. Anyway, there's someone who'll be glad to see you coming back." Kochanski nodded at something behind Gemma when arms grabbed her in a bear hug.

"Glad to see you, Gem." Arnold Rimmer came into Gemma's view, and she was released from the bone crushing cuddle.

"Great news, I passed my engineer's exam while you were away, so I might be able to get a place on the same ship as you."

"Arnold?"

"Well of course it's me you silly thing, who else would it be?"

"Dinner will be ready very shortly, and I made your favourite." Kochanski chimed in.

Gemma stared at the three people facing her, with grins that only belonged on the Joker from Batman. She was starting to get an inkling of what was going on, but it didn't make her any happier.

"Errr...I'm not that hungry. I ate before I left the ship. I think I'll just go up to my room." With that she turned up the stairs behind her, and into the bedroom she knew would there. The new bed with clean sheets, rows of CDs she had never been allowed to listen to and a shiny alto saxophone in the corner confirmed her theory. She switched the watch on.

"Holly, this planet has recreated everything I've ever had a fantasy about. I feel like I've stepped into the twilight zone or something."

"You wanted parents from a 1950s soap opera?"

"Not exactly, I wanted parents who were proud of me, and those old movies never had families arguing for long."

"And Rimmer passing his exam?"

"I want him to be happy. He thinks passing his exam will make him happy."

"That ain't a fantasy, it's a bleeding miracle."

"Whatever, Holly. I'm tired, I'm going to go to bed." She went to a chest of drawers and pulled out a pair of pyjamas covered in snowmen. "First thing tomorrow we'll get away from this hell-hole."

"So you get everything you've ever wanted, and you don't want it?"

"That's about it, yeah."

"Women!! You're never happy are you?"

Gemma switched off the watch and got into bed. She couldn't try to deal with this new world yet, she'd have to face it in the morning.

In the morning, Gemma got out of bed and switched Holly on.

"Morning Gemma. This watch lark isn't too bad once you get used to it. I get time off every day and hardly anything to do."

"Glad you're enjoying it, Holly. We'd better get off this rock before I go nuts."

"It just show that you never really want you want once you get it."

"Shut up Holly. It's too early and too confusing for all the philosophy crap and insights into the human psyche."

Gemma walked down the stairs quietly, to make sure she wasn't heard. She only hoped she wouldn't be greeted by the grinning triplets offering her stacks of pancakes, or she just may be forced to wipe the grin from at least one of their faces. If she was forced to punch one of them, she hoped it would be Lister.

The kitchen was deserted, and it wasn't so tidy anymore. The dishes hadn't been washed, and the counters were dirty, probably from the meal the night before. Three people could sure as hell make a lot of mess. Gemma walked over to the counter, and saw two piles on the floor. She knelt down and saw that they were bones.

"Bones? What is going on here, Holly?"

"I don't know for sure, but I think those bones might be your welcoming party from last night."

"Eh?"

"Those bones are the remains of your perfect parents."


	4. Benny

**BENNY**

Gemma stared down in disbelief at the two neat piles of bones that were all that remained of the parents she had dreamed of since she was 6.

"Why would a planet make my fantasies come true then kill my perfect parents?"

"Maybe it realised the idea of Rimmer passing his exams and being friendly was just too creepy." Holly replied.

Gemma thought for a minute, scanning her memory for anything that would give her a clue.

"Wait a minute. Benny, my teddy bear."

"Your teddy bear killed the crew? That is creepier than Rimmer smiling." Holly was beginning to think Gemma was a few microchips short of a motherboard.

"When I was 7 my mother tried to get back into the Space Corps, but she couldn't. She started ignoring me, except to drill me on astro engineering basics and blaming me for her failure. I used to daydream about my teddy bear coming to life during the night and killing her."

"That's a seriously disturbed childhood." With a seriously disturbed result, thought Holly.

Gemma sat on a stool as she remembered more and more of her childhood that she had tried to forget.

"Through the years, I set Benny on other people, including my father, for being the cause of all my problems. A friend of mine left for Pluto and took my favourite shirt with her, so I gave Benny a spaceship to go get her. It just became a habit."

"So where is he now?"

"Probably on his way to Red Dwarf to kill most of the crew."

Gemma realised she was the only one who could kill Benny, and the only one who knew how to do it. She had found the parents she had thought she wanted but it dawned on her that they never really were what she wanted. The guys on Red Dwarf might not be her first choice for companions, but they were growing on her. There was only one thing she would miss about this planet.

She walked up the stairs and got dressed before going into the third bedroom that had once been her mother's library where she had followed every clue in her quest to find Lister. She sat on the edge of the bed and watched Arnold Rimmer sleep. Knowing she would never get another chance to, she leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. As she stood up she noticed a few things on his bedside table, which she picked up to keep as a memento of the time she was almost his girlfriend.

Back on Red Dwarf, some of the crew were assembled in the Drive Room. They had split up and searched a section of the ship each, looking for Gemma.

"I couldn't find her on the habitation decks." Kochanski reported.

"She not on the cargo decks either." Lister replied, wondering where along the line he had started to get worried.

"She's gone! Isn't that what we wanted?" Cat had had a half hearted search of the leisure decks, but didn't really care where she had gone.

"We never wanted her to disappear without a trace. And we know she couldn't have gone back to her own dimension." Lister replied.

"How?" Cat felt it was only polite to ask.

"There were no Dimensional tears she could have gone through." Kochanski replied.

Kryten and Rimmer came into the Drive Room.

"Miss Gemma is not on the ship, sir. We went to the landing bay and found this." Kryten reported, throwing a non-descript lump of metal onto the console. "The last Starbug is gone sir. She must have left in it, and removed this so we couldn't find it."

"So what's that then?" Listre asked.

Holly, who had been watching the search, answered.

"It's the tracking device. I never knew Starbug was gone because that was still here. She has also overridden my control on Starbug itself, so I can't find the black box, or tap into its controls."

"Congratulations, Lister, you've gotten rid of her, just like you wanted. She's so desperate to get away from you she's flying a rust bucket on her own." Rimmer was taking full advantage of his opportunity to annoy Lister.

Holly noticed something on his monitor, and alerted the crew before the minor argument turned into World War 9.

"Hey, I'm getting a signal; something's just entered the landing bay."

"Is it Starbug?" Kryten asked, happy that everyone had stopped arguing.

"No, it's far too small. You'd better check it out."

"I'll just err...supervise from back here." Rimmer started edging out the room.

Cat was getting sick of all these human problems; he wanted a nap and a snack.

"Come on, you coward, we'll use you as bait and solve two problems in one day."

The crew armed themselves with bazookoids and headed down to the landing bay. Rimmer was determined to stay at the back of the group, and for once the rest were happy to let him. He carried his weapon in front of him in one hand, with the other hand clamped firmly over his eyes, in case there was any blood. He didn't want to faint right now and be left with the monster.

"Sirs, I suggest we put the weapons on stun, in case the intruder is friendly." Kryten suggested.

"Keep your eyes peeled, it could be anywhere, and we don't know what "it" is, which makes this process a little harder." Lister was babbling, but he couldn't help it. He was too busy wondering whether the intruder was a monster that had eaten Gemma.

Cat grunted at Rimmer, who ignored him, so Cat was forced to set Rimmer's weapon to stun himself, and prise his fingers away from his face.

As they continued walking around the landing bay, Rimmer heard a noise come from behind him. The whole group turned, and Kochanski stepped in front of Rimmer. The noise got louder, and a shadow appeared from behind a box.

The shadow belonged to a large teddy bear. One of those huge ones that took up most of the window in card shops, but this one did not look cuddly. It had claws, which it had sharpened, and several concealed guns and knives stuck into its fur. Lister could also see bits of its stuffing poking out in places, and stitches where other clumps had apparently been repaired. Before he could stop her, Lister saw Kochanski put down her weapon and walk towards Frankented.

"It's just a teddy bear. It's quite cute, like Rambo or something."

Kochanski reached out for the teddy bear, which launched itself at her, trying to bite her. Kochanski was caught off guard, so she didn't have time to reach her gun before the bear knocked her out with a strike from the butt of one of its own.

"Get it, kill it. Pull out its stuffing or something!" Cat yelled, simply because he couldn't make his body move.

The bear launched itself at Lister, who had stepped forward a little, to try to reach Kochanski.

"Kill it man, kill it!" Lister gasped, trying to remove the neck hold the bear had him in.

"How? This thing's tougher than Robocop!!" Cat had tried to shoot the bear, but couldn't see enough of it, because it was using Lister as a shield.

As Lister passed out, he dropped his weapon. The bear picked it up and aimed it at Cat, ignoring Rimmer completely. Rimmer took this as a chance and ran as fast as he could to find the best hiding places. The bear stunned the Cat and Kryten with Lister's bazookoid, and stood to look at his haul. With a sense of satisfaction only a teddy bear who had been brought to life by a seven year old girl with a grudge could feel, Benny dragged Kochanski away by the feet. He had time to come back for the rest before he killed them one by one.

Gemma landed Starbug with a bit of a bump, and ran out in a hurry to find Benny. As she scanned the landing bay, she saw something that confirmed her fears.

"Benny is definitely here somewhere. There's his spaceship." Gemma pointed out to Holly.

Holly looked as Gemma held the watch up so he could see. Now he knew she was cracked. He was staring at a large, bright pink, toy Jeep with "Barbie" written on the side. There was no account for taste.

"I was only 7 remember, no laughing. We have to find Arnold."

"Head straight for the nearest large box that shakes and smells funny, he's bound to be there."

Gemma found one of the discarded bazookoids, which did not cheer her up at all. She walked back to the Jeep, and shot it, destroying it, to make sure Benny couldn't leave, and no one else in the crew ever saw that she had once owned a bright pink Barbie Jeep. She wondered if Benny would kill her just for making him endure such embarrassment.

"Why do we need Rimmer anyway, he's only useful as cannon fodder."

"That's why I need him. I have to try to get Benny to knock him out."

"You're not the first to wish harm on Rimmer. But he might already have been captured."

"He won't have, because I haven't set Benny on him, so he can't be harmed. Benny is invincible, even to me, as long as he can be controlled. If I can get him to hurt someone I care about, who I've never set him on, I should be able to kill him. I hope." What Gemma didn't say was that this was totally theoretical, so it might not work at all, but it was all she had to work on.

"You care about Rimmer? That IS a first."

"Yes, haven't you worked that out by now, dough brain?"

Gemma walked a little further before bringing the watch up to her face and smiled sweetly at Holly. If it wasn't for the slightly evil look in her eye, Holly might have thought she was being nice.

"Oh, and Holly? If you tell anyone what you saw down on that planet, or anything about Benny, I will reroute your circuits to make you think you are a suicidal yak. And don't think I don't know how."

"OK, keep your hair on."

"Psst. Over here."

Gemma turned at the whisper, and saw Rimmer's face peeking at her from behind a workbench. She walked over and crouched behind the workbench beside him.

"Where have you been? We've been looking for you everywhere."

Gemma considered her options and went for the short explanation that wouldn't get her locked up for observation.

"Ummm...asteroid spotting."

"Well, a demented teddy bear has dragged the rest of the crew away somewhere. Luckily, I escaped, so I could warn you." Rimmer decided that was a relatively sensible reply, even though the situation was so ridiculous that no sane person would believe him.

"Where did they go?"

"I don't know, I was having a panic attack." Rimmer replied without thinking, destroying his macho persona from before.

"We'll find them. Then you will have to shoot it."

"Me? Gemma, you haven't been with us very long, so there's something you must know about me. I'm a coward. As yellow as a Day-Glo canary. Plus, I don't know how to use a gun." Rimmer decided the manly thing had gone, so he might as well show his true colours in all their chicken wuss glory.

Gemma handed him her bazookoid.

"Just point this at the bear, and pull the trigger, ok."

She dragged Rimmer out by his shoulder, and walked him towards the door, ignoring his protests all the way to the Drive Room.

Benny had tied Lister, Cat, Kochanski and Kryten to separate chairs, and gagged them. This was the fun part before his instincts made him shoot them with his laser that, for some reason, reduced the victims to dust, which then blew away, leaving only the bones in a neat pile. He didn't hear Gemma and Rimmer walk into the room.

Rimmer held the gun up with one hand and stuck his finger in his ear with the other. He pulled the trigger, missing Benny by seven inches, and hitting the wall millimetres from Kochanski's ear. Benny turned to face Rimmer, and then turned back to his victims. The cowardly one was not on his list. Gemma grabbed the bazookoid and forced Rimmer to hold it with both hands. She aimed the gun for him, and let go just as he pulled the trigger. The shot hit Benny's shoulder. He growled in pain and turned to face Rimmer before punching him, sending him across the Drive Room. Gemma saw he was out cold. She resisted the urge to make sure he was OK, and faced Benny. She picked up Rimmer's bazookoid, and pointed it at Benny, praying that her logic would be proved right.

"Get your hands off my family you stuffed homicidal scum!" Gemma yelled.

She pulled the trigger, and shot Benny in the middle of his chest. The bear exploded, showering everyone with bits of fur and stuffing. Gemma untied Lister from the chair then left him to untie the others while she ran to wake up Rimmer. She knelt beside him and checked his pulse. He was just coming round when Gemma heard a strangled scream and turned to defend Rimmer against Benny again, but he wasn't the problem. Lister and Kryten were holding back Kochanski, who was trying to wriggle out to get to Rimmer.

"Let me at him!! He nearly shot me!"

Cat was busy staring at his wrists.

"Look at these cuffs. They got so many creases I could make a map."

"How the Hell did you manage to kill it?" Lister asked, letting Kochanski go, since she had finally calmed down a bit.

Gemma helped Rimmer to his feet before she answered, considering what she should say without giving away who Benny was.

"Lucky shot I guess."

"I think everyone could do with some tea." Kryten turned to leave the room.

"Kryten. Make mine white with two sugars."

Everyone stared at Gemma.

"Asteroid spotting kind of made me realise you guys aren't so bad."

"That was some trip." Holly replied from the monitor. Gemma quickly hid her wrist, so no one would see the watch.

"Actually, Arnold made the vital weakening shot so I could deliver the fatal blow."

"Which was what I planned to do, obviously."

As everyone left the room, Gemma followed behind, feeling like part of the crew for the first time since she had arrived. She put her hand into her pocket to pull out the things she had taken from the other Rimmer's table. They were his badge and a congratulatory letter from passing his exam and becoming an officer. The last item was a small photograph that must have been taken in a passport booth. It showed her on Rimmer's knee, with her arm round his shoulders, grinning as he kissed her cheek. She heard a snigger from her wrist, and knew what it was about.

"Shut up, you. And don't forget my threat."

Gemma whacked the watch and left behind the closest to a family she had ever had.


	5. The Bet

**THE BET**

**Thanks to everyone who's been reading my stories, I hope you've enjoyed them. Please feel free to email me at with any comments and/or suggestions you have.**

Rimmer was busy reading in his bunk when Holly appeared on the mirror. This annoyed Rimmer who was convinced the spiteful computer did this when he wasn't looking, took photos of whatever he was doing and showed them to Lister. It hadn't happened yet but Rimmer, paranoid as he was, was convinced Holly was just waiting until he let his guard down.

"Morning Rimmer."

"Morning Holly."

"Are you doing anything important in the next few weeks?"

Rimmer thought this was an odd question to ask. He'd better pretend he was busy until he found out what Holly was getting at.

"Other than writing a definitive log of the ship's supply decks, arranging the tins in rows according to colour and destroying Lister's guitar, not really."

"Do you want to resit your engineer's exam?"

Holly knew what the answer would be, and took no pleasure in letting Rimmer know this was possible, but it was his duty. Damn his duty, if only that had been one of the circuits to go odd from the years in space.

"I can resit it? But I escaped from the prison deck!"

Rimmer tried not to get his hopes up; this could be a cruel trick of Holly's. He had given up hope of ever being an officer, since he was technically an escapee because he was in the process of escaping when the accident had happened.

"I know, but you're still alive, and were on parole at the time of the accident so, technically, you are allowed to sit the exam, if you want to."

Rimmer jumped up, punching the air in a gesture that was more reminiscent of Lister than him.

"Fantastic!!"

"So you want me to schedule it?" Holly had to ask.

"Does Lister smell like a skunk's armpit? Of course I do."

"OK. Exam room, three weeks from now at 11am, you are sitting your engineer's exam."

"Brilliant! I'd better go get my notes from storage."

Rimmer ran from the room, so he didn't hear Holly muttering in a monotone voice.

"They won't help much, unless you want to know how to colour code drivel."

In the cafeteria, the crew were sitting down to breakfast. Lister felt like the Royal Symphony Orchestra had set up rehearsals in his brain, but they all had drums. He couldn't wait to get hold of Gemma.

"Rough night?" Kochanski asked quietly.

"You could say that. We're down to the last few thousand cans of lager."

"So you decided to drink them all in one night?" Cat asked, not bothering to keep his voice down.

"No. Gemma said she had some alcohol. It was a vile bright green colour, but it smelled quite nice, so I drank some. I drank 15 pints of the stuff and still didn't feel any different. Then I got up to go to the bathroom and fell out of my chair! I lost all feeling in my legs and had to drag myself back to my bunk."

"Please do not drink any more sir. I don't think the medical bay could perform another stomach pump." Kryten pleaded. He had been worried about Lister, so had performed the pump when Lister was sleeping. He had been so drunk he hadn't noticed.

Rimmer marched into the cafeteria, grabbed a cup of coffee and thumped a huge pile of paper on one of the tables.

"Morning all. I've come to inform Lister that he must vacate our sleeping quarters for a few weeks. Holly has just informed me that I am able to sit my engineer's exam in three weeks, and I intend to pass it."

"Not again." Lister had been through this a few times before, it wasn't a pretty picture.

"Why? We're the only ones here." Cat wanted to know.

"It's the principle. For nearly 20 years my sole goal in life has been to gain that elusive gold bar of officerhood. I intend to get it no matter what. I have to study every minute of every day, and can't have Lister's humming, snoring and feet that set off the dangerous chemical alarms getting in the way."

"You failed that exam 7 times before I got here."

"I had other duties as a technician, which I don't any more and I will not waste this opportunity."

"OK, man, if it makes you feel better, I'll move next door." Lister just wanted to see Rimmer fail again, now he had other people to laugh about it with.

"Thank you Lister. I'll pack your things for you and leave them outside our room."

Rimmer picked up his notes and left the room. He nearly banged into Gemma, who greeted him, but he marched past her without acknowledging the greeting. Gemma shrugged, a little hurt and went to get breakfast. She wanted to know how bad a hangover Lister had from the Saturn Lager.

"What's wrong with Arnold?"

"He's sitting his engineer's exam. Again." Kochanski replied.

"Correction, he's preparing to fail his exam for the twelfth time." Lister said, standing up.

"That's not very supportive." Gemma was appalled that the closest thing Rimmer had to a friend would be so unhelpful.

"It's a fact. Now what was that stuff you gave me?" Lister demanded.

"Did you like it? We used to serve it during Zero Gee football games to keep punters drinking."

"Could I have the recipe?"

"Not a chance, it's a secret."

"Smeg. Guess I'd better go move out of my room then. Dumbass is making me move so he can concentrate." Lister moved towards the door.

"It won't make a difference, he'd fail a three year old's maths test." Cat piped up. He had no experience of Rimmer sitting an exam, but Lister had told him everything whenever they ran out of good stories.

"Couldn't Kochanski teach him what he needs to know?" Gemma asked.

"Not a chance. I'd rather do ballet over broken glass while blindfolded with a pair of Lister's old underpants." Kochanski exclaimed.

"That's not very encouraging. I'll bet that with a bit of help and support, he could pass any exam he wanted." Gemma said, leaping to the defence of Rimmer, not realising how close she was to revealing her feelings for him.

"I'll take up that bet." Lister grinned.

"Not again." Kryten moaned, putting his head in his hands.

"You're on, what are the terms?" Gemma demanded. She was more pleased than she was letting on; this way she could help Arnold without everyone finding out how she felt.

"If I win, and Rimmer fails, you give me the recipe for that stuff." Lister replied, folding his hands over his chest.

"OK. And if I win, you ALL have to treat Arnold with the respect he deserves. Call him sir, salute him in his way, not yours, and obey his orders." Gemma said, matching Lister's pose.

"No-" Cat started to protest.

"Done." Lister said confidently, ignoring the murderous stare he knew would be directed at him from Cat.

Gemma and Lister shook hands, sealing the deal.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a student to attend to."

Gemma marched from the room to start filling in the gaps in Arnold's knowledge. She thought he must at least know the basics, having sat the exam so often. She would simply have to fill in the blanks.

"Are you crazy? You think I'm going to salute Eurotunnel nostrils?" Cat shouted.

"Relax. We're talking about Rimmer passing an exam here. The only thing he can pass is gas." Lister replied. He was confident at the time, but Gemma had been far too eager to take on the bet, which worried Lister. Clearly she had no idea just how think Rimmer really was. Or she had hidden talents none of them knew about. He hoped to hell it was the first one, otherwise he'd be in deep smeg from the rest of the crew.

As Gemma walked down the corridor towards Rimmer's bunk she wondered how she was going to tutor him. She didn't want the rest of the crew to know she had been in Space Academy and destined to be a high flyer in the Corps before she had run off. On the other hand, she knew Rimmer was too proud and too stubborn to accept help from others, but knowing about her past would help him listen to her. She would have to handle this with tact.

Rimmer was trying to bring the notes swimming in front of his eyes into focus. He knew he had to learn the formulae and facts if he had any chance of passing his exam, but had no idea where to start, and was beginning to wonder whether he was making a huge mistake. He turned when he heard a noise, thinking it was Lister coming for his things, and watched Gemma sneaking into the room.

"Hi. I hear you're planning to sit the engineer's exam." She said quietly.

"You hear right. Now please leave me alone, I need constant concentration to learn this extremely complex work." Rimmer replied curtly before turning back to the notes he was becoming convinced were written in Swahili.

Gemma crept behind Rimmer to look over his shoulder at the unbelievably well organised notes. She read a bit and frowned as she noticed a mistake in the first line. In fact, she couldn't find anything that was accurate. He'd even spelt most of the discoverers' names wrong.

"Can I say something?" she whispered.

""What?" Rimmer turned to face her again, trying to look annoyed but feeling relieved to be spared for a few seconds.

"I don't think that bit is quite right." She said.

"What bit?"

Gemma pointed at the spot on the page.

"That bit there about Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle. I don't think it has anything to do with whether you can wear red with yellow."

"Well what is it then, if you're so clever?" Rimmer hadn't been able to find out what the Uncertainty Principle was, so he had made it up. He really should find out where Red Dwarf's library was.

This was where Gemma knew she had to be careful to offer her help, but make Rimmer think it wasn't help.

"It's something about how the more precisely the position of a particle is determined, the less precisely the momentum is known, and vice versa." Gemma said, trying to look like she was struggling to remember.

Rimmer stared at Gemma, hoping he was giving the impression he understood what she had just waffled in his direction.

"Come again?"

"Basically, if I remember right, you can't measure the speed an atom is moving at accurately. The theory contradicts all traditional physics. The formula is really complicated, but that's the basic theory. Why are you trying to learn that anyway?" Gemma asked. She was beginning to realise just how difficult this was going to be, and why Lister had looked so happy.

"For my exam." Rimmer replied.

"But that's basic quantum theory. Students learn that stuff in their first term." Gemma knew she had just slipped up a little, but Rimmer didn't seem to notice.

"Well thank you professor. Now, if you'll kindly let me back to my revision." Rimmer was grateful for the help, but didn't want to show it, or thank Gemma. He didn't even want her to see him change his notes on the Uncertainty Principle because he was convinced she would tell the others how little he knew.

Gemma walked round the table to stand next to Rimmer. She leaned over the table, putting her elbows on his notes, forcing him to look at her. It was now or never.

"I was thinking, I used to dabble in this stuff a bit."

"One does not dabble in astro engineering. It takes years of study."

"My point is I'm worried I've forgotten the stuff I learned. Any chance you could let me revise with you, to help me refresh my memory? It could help you learn, explaining the theories to someone else."

Rimmer thought for a minute. To accept help would be admitting he needed it. But Gemma wasn't offering help; she was asking him to help her, which meant she must think he really knew this stuff. Rimmer tried not to look too proud or flattered, and secretly hoped she would remember enough to teach him without realising it.

"Well that's different. I always like to help a fellow scholar. Pull up a chair, and I'll explain the fundamentals of orbit mechanics." Rimmer replied, grinning. He didn't even know what "the fundamentals of orbit mechanics" meant, but he was hoping she would explain, thinking she was asking him for the answers.

Gemma tried not to smile too much as she got another chair and sat down next to Rimmer. She would show Lister. She would help Rimmer pass his exam, she would make Lister salute and obey. She didn't care about the others; she just wanted to see Lister being bossed around for a while. And she would get to spend a bit of time with Rimmer, and help him out a bit, which might make him like her more, and that couldn't hurt.

Top of Form

Bottom of Form


	6. Engineering Exam

**ENGINEERING EXAM**

Lister walked down the corridor outside his and Rimmer's sleeping quarters and paused outside the door. He could hear muffled yelling inside as Gemma tried in vain to drum another piece of theory into Rimmer's pea sized intellect. Lister grinned to himself as he entered the cafeteria; that recipe was as good as his.

"How's it going in there?" Kochanski asked as Lister walked in. She could tell by the grin on his face that things hadn't improved.

"Well, neither of them have thrown anything in the last two days, so I guess Rimmer must be improving." Lister replied, helping himself to the pancakes Kryten offered him.

"Three weeks they've been at each others' throats." Cat complained.

"Well, the exam is today, so it will all be over soon." Kryten replied. Like everyone else, he secretly hoped Rimmer would fail, but unlike everyone else he never voiced his opinion, because it was not a mechanoid's way to wish bad things about humans.

"Then someone can try to console Rimmer." Kochanski hoped it would not be her.

"And give Gemma some rubber wall paper and a straitjacket." Cat said.

"And I can get the smegging recipe for that green stuff." Lister said. That was the whole point in Rimmer getting help anyway, so Lister wondered why Gemma didn't just concede and give him the recipe, rather than putting herself through the suffering she was enduring. She was determined and persistent, he had to give her that.

Rimmer and Gemma walked into the cafeteria, both looking exhausted. Gemma was walking in front of Rimmer, who was carrying a large pencil case.

"Ok, what's the formula to determine thrust in rocket propulsion after applying the principle of the conservation of momentum?" Gemma asked.

"F q x Ve (Pe-Pa) x Ae" Rimmer replied. "Where Ae is the exit nozzle pressure, q is the rate of ejected mass flow, Pa is the pressure of the ambient atmosphere and Pe is the…the" Rimmer tried to remember, but he brain had frozen.

"Pressure of exhaust gases and Ve is their ejection speed." Gemma provided. Despite the arguments, Rimmer had improved and was actually starting to remember the complex formulae he had to learn.

"That's it, that's what I was going to say." Rimmer lied.

Lister, Cat and Kryten stared at Rimmer. Kochanski had a vague idea of what the formula was about, but never thought Rimmer would be able to remember it. The others just couldn't grasp the notion of Rimmer managing to recite anything remotely related to engineering without fainting. For the first time, Lister began to think he might lose this bet.

"Right. You should get something to eat before the exam, and I suggest you revise the impulse and momentum formula, you're still a little unsure of it." Gemma told Rimmer before leaving the room. She had only brought Rimmer here to worry Lister, but she had some important work she had to get on with.

Rimmer watched Gemma leave before walking over to an empty table. He sat on the chair for a few seconds before leaning over and banging his head hard against the metal table. He raised his fists and punched the table, just for good measure. Now he had a sore head and sore hands, as well as a sore brain.

"Studying going well?" Kochanski asked.

Rimmer sat up, not realising he had a pink circle on his forehead.

"Of course, couldn't be better." Rimmer lied.

As he sat up, Rimmer's sleeves had been pulled up slightly, and Kryten could see something black on his arm.

"What's that?" Kryten asked.

"What's what?" Rimmer feverishly tried to cover his arms, but Kryten walked over to him and pushed his sleeve up to his elbow. There, in black pen, Rimmer had written the formula he had just recited to Gemma, along with various other facts and theories.

"So I have an aid to memory, so what?" Rimmer knew the last time he had tried this the ink had run, but he hoped that this time it would work.

"You're cheating again." Lister accused.

"Not on the exam itself, just to refresh my memory before I start. For God's sake don't tell Gemma, she thinks I'm a genius. Rimmer knew he would have to wash off the ink now; one of them was bound to tell Holly he was cheating.

"And here was me thinking she had a brain for a second." Cat replied.

"I will pass this exam." Rimmer said. That had been his mantra during the last three weeks, but it had not been as reassuring as he had hoped.

Holly appeared on a nearby monitor, watching the crew with interest.

"Would all candidates for the astro engineering exam please proceed to the exam room. Exam begins in thirty minutes. That's you Rimmer." Holly added, in case he'd forgotten again.

"Seriously, man, good luck" Lister patted Rimmer on the back, knowing that if Rimmer thought he had to cheat, his recipe was safe again.

"I don't need luck Lister." Rimmer tried to smile as he left for the exam room, but the grimace he managed gave the impression that he had serious indigestion.

"Yeah, he needs a miracle." Cat whispered after Rimmer was out of ear shot, which was against his character, but for once Cat was thinking about someone else.

Back in her sleeping quarters, Gemma knew she had to act fast. Rimmer thought he had hidden how little he had managed to remember, but Gemma had known. She had really made progress in the last few days, with Rimmer finally starting to learn, but she just didn't have the time to teach him everything in the few days that were left. She would have to help him, and there was only one way to do it. She had to cheat for him.

She fetched the watch she had stolen when she had run away and switched it on. Holly appeared on her mirror, and was on the point of saying hello when she cut him off.

"Holly, I need a favour."

"What?" Holly didn't like the sound of that.

"I need to tap you into the main computer on board the ship. He won't notice, because it'll be you."

"Why would you want to do that? I'm not showing you Rimmer getting dressed in his bunk or anything"

" Holly-" Gemma started, then stopped to imagine the picture he had painted.

"Thanks, Hol, maybe I'll use that later. I want you to find out what questions are on the exam paper Arnold is taking. There's only one copy, the one in the exam room."

"Why?" Holly was really suspicious now.

"Just to make sure I taught him the right stuff, that's all." Gemma replied in what she hoped was an innocent voice.

"Oh, alright." Holly knew Gemma was lying, but he didn't have anything better to do.

"Thanks, Hol. I'll just get the tools I need."

As Gemma raced from the room, Holly wondered just how eroded his sanity was.

In the exam room, the Holly that controlled Red Dwarf was getting ready for what he feared would be the most boring few hours of his life. Rimmer was sitting at the only table with paper on it, preparing to sit his exam for the twelfth time.

"Due to lack of willing personnel, there will be no human supervision, so I'll have to do it. Show me your arms." Holly had tried to be professional, but figured what the hell, it's only Rimmer.

Rimmer pulled up his sleeves to reveal clean, slightly pink arms. He had had to scrub every mark of the ink from his skin to remove any trace of his attempt at cheating. He pulled his sleeves back down when Holly nodded.

"Right, you may begin, you have three hours to screw it up." Holly pretended to watch every move Rimmer made.

Rimmer read his paper, and found one question he understood. Understood, but couldn't answer. He was glad he had brought a back up. He emptied the pencil case he had brought in with him, and filled in his details in black pen. He then waited for Holly to look away while pretending to read the questions and take notes. As soon as Holly turned his head, Rimmer opened the rather large pencil sharpener he had brought. He found the correct scrap of paper among the twenty or so scraps he had stuffed in there, wrote down the formula and put the paper in his pocket.

Three hours later, Rimmer put down his pen and tidied his desk.

"Please put down your pen, time's up. Leave your paper on the desk and leave the room. Kryten will be along in a minute to collect it."

Rimmer stood up and left the room, wondering how much he had gotten away with. It was a risk, but the only chance he had of succeeding.

Gemma hid round a corner, waiting for Rimmer to leave the room. She peeked into the exam room and saw that Holly had disappeared. She crept into the room and took another exam paper from her jacket. She swapped it with the one on Rimmer's desk, and crept out again. She had managed to print out a second paper, and studied Rimmer's handwriting so she could copy it as accurately as possible, and written his answers for him. It was a risk, but the only chance he had of succeeding.

The next morning, Rimmer was pacing across his sleeping quarters' floor. He had tried to sleep, but failed miserably. Lister had asked him how the exam had gone, but Rimmer couldn't answer without gagging, so he hadn't said anything.

"Morning Arnold" Holly greeted cheerfully.

Rimmer ran to the mirror, where Holly's face was impossible to read.

"At last, how did I do?" Rimmer demanded.

"You passed."

Rimmer wasn't sure he had heard right, but he actually felt the glee rising up from his toes, warming him until it hit is brain, where Holly's message was processed.

"Fantastic!!" he yelled, dancing round the room. He was an officer!!!!

"But you were disqualified for cheating." Holly added.

Rimmer felt his face fall, and a chill swept over him from head to foot.

"What? Noooooooooooo!" Rimmer collapsed, punching the ground with his fists. How could he be so stupid to think he could get away with it? Good things never happened to him, he shown have known he would get caught.

"The rest of the crew will be told you failed." Holly added, hoping it would cheer him up a little.

"Am I supposed to be grateful for that?"

"Best I can do I'm afraid."

"Gee thanks."

"You'll never have to go through this again though. Once you've been caught cheating, you're not allowed to sit the exam again."

"I know that you useless heap of crap. What am I supposed to tell the crew? That after twelve attempts I'm not allowed to sit an exam again?"

"Sounds plausible to me." Holly was now struggling not to laugh at Rimmer.

"Thanks for the support, I'd better go tell the rest." Rimmer moaned glumly, and dragged his feet towards the door to tell the crew he had failed again.

When he got to the cafeteria, the sound died down so quickly, Rimmer thought he had gone temporarily deaf. At least Gemma wasn't here so he had a while to work out what to say to her.

"Morning everyone."

"So, how did you do?" Kochanski asked. She could tell from his face, but she knew she was the only one who would be able to ask without going into fits of laughter.

"I failed. For the twelfth time."

"I knew it. Pay up metal man." Cat grinned, walking over to Kryten, his hand stretched out. Kryten handed him a note, trying not to look at Rimmer.

"You really failed? I never saw that coming, man." Lister tried to sound sympathetic, but knew he was failing.

"Never mind, Rimmer. You can do it again in six months." Kochanski tried to cheer him up.

"No, I can't. It seems that 12 times is the limit for exams. I won't be allowed to re sit it."

"Yes!! I win!" Lister jumped from his chair, punching the air with his fist before realising what he had done.

"Sorry, man. Excuse me people, I have to go…do something."

Lister tried not to run from the room. Rimmer watched him leave, knowing something was going on, but he didn't know what. He wasn't sure he wanted to know. The others knew why Lister was so happy, but not even Cat was cruel enough to tell Rimmer.

"I'm going to my room. I want to be alone for a while." Rimmer said glumly, before walking from the room with the air of someone who was just sentenced to death row.

Gemma was in her sleeping quarters, tapping her watch back into the main computer wires.

"Well? Any news?" she demanded as soon as Holly appeared.

"Arnold Rimmer passed his exam, but was disqualified for cheating." Holly relied, as casually as he could.

"Please tell me that is one of your sick jokes."

"Nope, but everyone has been told he failed."

"So you're telling me I ruined Arnold's chances of ever being an officer, but at least no one knows?"

"Pretty much."

"Great."

Gemma knew she could never tell Rimmer it was her fault he wasn't allowed to do the exam again. According to his file, the fact that he cheated was classified, his record would show a failure, so he would never have the authority to find out she had cheated for him, and wrecked his chance at happiness. She would have to fix it somehow.

She remembered the Rimmer she had met on her ideal planet, and rooted in her drawer until she found the things she had stolen. There was the photograph of the two of them she had managed to keep hidden. She would treasure that for a while. The other two items could help Rimmer get over failing his exam. She ran from the room, before remembering Lister's terms of the bet, grabbed the recipe for Saturn Lager, and ran towards Rimmer's bunk.

Lister had just moved his things back into his old sleeping quarters. Part of him had been tempted to stay where he was, but he wasn't going to waste the opportunity to ridicule Rimmer for failing again. First he had to claim his winnings. Gemma ran down the corridor, nearly knocking him over.

"Well, well, told you he'd fail." Lister grinned.

"Shut it, Lister." Gemma wasn't in the mood for polite conversation.

"Sore loser, eh? Pay up, give us the recipe."

Gemma thrust the recipe into Lister's chest, punching him in the process. Lister grabbed the paper, ignoring the throbbing in his chest and began to read.

"Yeeessss!"

"Enjoy trying to brew it, you overgrown gerbil."

Gemma continued walking down the corridor when Lister noticed something he didn't understand.

"Hey! What's 15 g pow sat net?"

Gemma turned and grinned at him.

"15 grams of powdered Saturnian nettles."

"You got any?"

"Of course not. I used the last of it in that batch I gave you."

"That's cheating."

"On the contrary my festering turd of a father, it's not. The deal was for the recipe, not the ingredients. I have fulfilled my obligation to you. Enjoy yourself, and try not to be a sore loser."

Gemma turned and ran down the corridor, leaving Lister clutching a recipe that was completely useless.

Rimmer was sitting at his desk, tearing up his notes. He would feed them to a fire if he had one, but he didn't. Gemma peeked in the door and entered slowly as Rimmer turned to face her.

"Can I come in?" Gemma asked.

"It appears that you already have." Rimmer replied, turning back to his notes.

"You want to talk?"

Rimmer shook his head, and sat in silence for a few seconds.

"What made me think I could pass? The only test I've ever passed was my gym teacher Bull Heinman's test for wets, weirdos and fatties. I passed with flying colours there." Rimmer moaned.

"You're taking this too hard. You're already second in command."

"But I want to be an officer."

"You already are."

"How?" Rimmer demanded, facing Gemma.

"Well, you always give the boring jobs to someone else. If there's an intruder you run and hide rather than fight and you pretend to know more than you actually do. They're traits of every officer I've ever met."

"You really think so?"

Rimmer was confused. Usually whenever he sat an exam, he was yelled at and teased when he failed, so this new experience of being comforted was rather odd, and he was daring to cheer up a little.

"Of course I do. So I'm giving you this, the only thing you don't have." Gemma took the things she had stolen from her perfect Rimmer and gave them to this one who, in a way, was far nicer because of his flaws.

Rimmer took the envelope and opened it. He stared at the contents for a few seconds before he dared to speak.

"A badge for Engineering Officer Third Class and a letter congratulating me? Where did you get these?"

"I found them. I figured having the determination to sit an exam twelve times meant you deserved them. You're still second in command remember, Kochanski is First Class."

"Thanks Gemma. You're right. I am an officer in my heart, and that's where it counts. I just go to pieces in exams." Rimmer smiled.

"Exactly." Gemma said, smiling back, before turning to leave.

"Gemma, please don't tell the others, I don't want them to treat me any differently, I'll let them think I failed."

This was completely against Rimmer's character, but he didn't care. Lister would never stop teasing him if he found out how he had been given the badge.

"I wouldn't dream of it, Officer Rimmer."

Gemma snapped her heels together, gave Rimmer a Rimmer salute, bowed and marched from the room. Rimmer watched her go, looked down at his badge again, and grinned to himself.

"I'm an officer" he whispered. Sure, he hadn't come by it in the most honest of ways, but after 20 years of trying, he had a badge.

Gemma stopped just outside the door and leaned back against the wall. She had done what she could, and it had worked. Rimmer wouldn't even tell Lister, so her secret was safe again.

"God, I'm good." She said, grinning, before heading to the cafeteria. All this doing good deeds had given her a hell of an appetite.


	7. Personality Change

**PERSONALITY CHANGE**

Cat walked down a corridor, not even sure which floor he was on. He didn't really care either, he was irritated, but on a mission.

"Where is it?" he asked himself, getting more and more desperate.

Cat walked into the nearest room, which turned out to be the Drive Room. He knew the thing he was looking for wouldn't be in here but Holly was on the screen, so he might be able to help.

"Hey, head!"

"What is it, I'm busy."

"Have you seen my leg wax?" Cat asked.

"You what?" Holly was stunned at the question, especially since his mind was occupied by something a little more important than the evolved feline's beauty regime.

"I've lost my leg wax. I had it yesterday, I think one of the women must have stolen it."

"Never mind that, Cat, get down to quarantine."

"What for? I'm looking for my leg wax, that's my number one priority."

"I found a pod."

Cat looked around the room, uninterested in anything Holly had discovered. Holly needed Cat to get down there, and knew there was only one way that could happen.

"And the women will be down there, so you can ask them about your leg wax."

"That makes all the difference. I'll be down in less time than it takes for a pickpocket to steal a wallet."

Cat ran down to quarantine, a room he thought he'd never have to see again ever since Rimmer had locked him in there with Kryten and Lister. He still had the nightmares, but if he was going to find his leg wax, he would have to be brave and go back.

When Cat got to the correct floor, the rest of the crew were already there, except Gemma. He marched straight up to Kochanski.

"Hey, have you used my leg wax?"

"No, I have my own." Kochanski replied. She'd learned her lesson the last time she had found a jar of leg wax that turned out to be his and discovered that Cat had the same retracting claws as his ancestors.

"Where's Little Miss Sunshine?" Cat asked, just as Gemma walked round the corner, giving him a scowl to show she had heard him.

"Right on time. Have you used my leg wax?"

"No you pathetic moggy, I use a razor. Anyway, I heard you found a pod." Gemma looked past Cat at Rimmer for confirmation of what Holly had told her.

"We did, but we don't know what's in it. We know it came from Earth though." Rimmer replied.

"We do know what's in it, nothing, it's empty." Cat cut in.

"You know Cat, the thing I like most about you is your absence." Rimmer answered, with a scowl similar to Gemma's.

"Thanks bud. Never like you though." grinned Cat, completely missing the sarcasm.

"Actually there was something in the pod." Holly cut in, making sure there wasn't an argument yet.

"Eh?" Lister said, wishing he could think of something more intelligent to say.

"I was picking up life signs when I brought the pod in, but they've gone now. So whatever was in there has escaped." Holly explained.

"I haven't picked up any life signs either, but we should all keep a look out for anything unusual." Said Kryten, worrying that whatever it was would disturb his laundry schedule.

"Like Rimmer cracking a funny joke?" Lister offered.

"Smeg off Lister." Rimmer retorted.

The group started to walk away from the cell the pod was in, Gemma at the rear.

"OK freak face, I'll keep a look out…OW!" Gemma turned round and started looking on the ground behind her.

"What is it?" Kochanski asked.

"Something bit my leg!" Gemma cried, still staring at the ground. She knew whatever it was had been small, because the bite was not particularly painful, and only a few inches above her ankle. But whatever it was had strong teeth; she was wearing heavy black boots.

"Are you bleeding or anything?" Lister asked, getting concerned with an unknown living thing on the move.

"No, I don't think so…Ah!" Gemma collapsed onto her knees, hands forming fists on the ground. The others watched, concerned, but unsure of what they could do. Gemma stood up and looked around her, not seeing anyone else.

"Are you OK?" Kochanski asked, concerned.

Gemma looked up towards the ceiling, and talked with a high pitched, girlish voice.

"Mummy, why don't I have a daddy?"

Gemma's voice changed, becoming deeper, and similar to Kochanski's. Her innocent girlish became a scowl, and she looked back, towards the floor.

"Because he's gone Gemma."

Her voice changed again, her face becoming innocent looking.

"Where?"

"No idea. I worked with him on a mining ship in space. I never told him I was having you, and left the ship. By the time I got back to Earth, the ship had disappeared. But promise me something Gemma. Promise me you will find your father."

Gemma became girly again, her face moving as if following someone kneeling down next to her, and stared straight ahead.

"How can I do that Mummy?"

Gemma kneeled down and turned round to face the space she had just occupied. By now the crew had realised Gemma was reliving some memory of her with her mother, but they could do nothing to help.

"Join the Space Corps, Gemma. I can't go back because I've been gone too long. Promise me you will find out what happened to Red Dwarf, and find a man called David Lister. That's your father Gemma. Promise me you will bring him back to me. I know he'll come back if he knows about you."

Gemma stood up again.

"I promise Mummy, I'll find him."

Gemma collapsed again, and the others watched her, unsure of what to do or say. Finally, Cat broke the silence.

"What the Hell was that?"

"I think she just relived a memory of her mother telling her about her father." Lister said.

"You mean Kochanski telling her about you." Rimmer pointed out, because he couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Geez, yeah." Lister realised Rimmer was telling the truth.

"We'd better see if she's OK." Kochanski stepped towards Gemma, uncertainly.

Gemma turned her head to face Kochanski, and felt hatred burning up inside her like she had stepped into a fire. She growled and hurled herself at Kochanski, grabbing her by the throat, trying to strangle her.

"Smeggin Hell!!" Lister yelled as he leapt forward to get Gemma away from Kochanski. Gemma let go for a second, before elbowing Lister to make him let go, and went for Kochanski again.

"Help me guys!" Lister yelled. Kryten and Cat grabbed Gemma, and Rimmer stood in front of Kochanski to try to shield her from the maniac grabbing air and snarling, trying desperately to get back to choking her mother.

"Are you alright?" Rimmer asked Kochanski.

"I think so. What happened?" Kochanski rasped, feeling her tender throat, which had been badly scratched by Gemma's nails.

"It looks like your daughter gets serious PMT."

"We'd better get her to her sleeping quarters and lock her in until we can work out what happened to her. Rimmer, keep Kris away from Gemma. Kryten, Cat, we'll drag her up to the habitation decks." Lister said, shaking and trying to make sense of this change.

"Sleeping quarters? We are on the quarantine floor, Lister." Kochanski yelled.

"Oh yeah." Lister felt as dumb as a dunce at a foreign affairs quiz.

"We'd better get her to the closest quarantine room." Kryten said, dragging Gemma back in the direction they had come from.

Gemma was still trying to reach Kochanski until they reached a quarantine room. Cat opened the door and Kryten and Lister pushed Gemma into the room before Cat locked the door. They didn't noticed that Gemma had stopped fighting back, and they looked through the window in the door to see her falling to the floor, holding her head in her hands. They walked back to where Rimmer and Kochanski were still standing, waiting to hear that Gemma was locked up.

"We must try to find out what bit Miss Gemma. That must have been the cause of her outburst." Kryten knew he had the steadiest nerves in the crew since, being a mechanoid meant he had few emotions, but even he was shocked by Gemma's behaviour.

"Something in that bite made her relive a memory involving me, which made her attack me." Kochanski whispered, thinking she had started to get along with Gemma.

"But how do we find out what when we don't know what we're looking for? Holly can't find it and we don't know what it looks like. We might as well fight a cloud." Rimmer asked, knowing no one would know the answer.

"That's probably the hardest thing you're willing to fight anyway." Cat retorted, feeling his courage coming back to him.

"We have to find out more about it." Lister added.

"Right. I'll go back down to quarantine, to see if I can find anything at all in the pod that will give us a clue." Kryten said, before walking away from the rest of the group.

Rimmer was starting to reply when he felt a sharp pain in his ankle. He grabbed at it before crying out in shock more than pain. As everyone turned to face him, Lister knew what had happened.

"Not him as well!"

Rimmer collapsed as Gemma had and the crew watch, fascinated to see if his reaction would be the same, but scared that they would be the target. Rimmer stood up, looking bemused.

"I can't believe it, I've failed my exam again."

His voice became more like Lister's, his stance more casual. As he spoke, his manner and voice changed the same way Gemma's had.

"There's a surprise. How many times is that?"

"Nine, not that it matters. It must have been your fault."

"My fault? You failed that exam eight times before I even got here!"

"But I've had to train you, show you the ropes, and you've hummed."

"Hummed?"

"Yes Lister, you've hummed. I told you I needed concentration to pass my exam. I told you I needed quiet. But you hummed and sang and played that bloody awful guitar for the entire time I spent revising.

"I'm not listening to this, I'm off down the pub with Petersen."

Rimmer collapsed again, and Lister was too fascinated watching him to think about the next part. Rimmer stood up and tried to strangle Lister.

"Get him off me!" Lister yelled with his little remaining breath.

"At least that proves the memories are connected to whoever gets attacked." Cat tried to be helpful.

"Lister, go to the Drive Room. Cat and I will take Rimmer down to quarantine, it's only two floors down." Kochanski said quickly. She was positive Rimmer was putting up less of a fight than Gemma had.

Lister ran away, and Rimmer instantly calmed down and started looking depressed.

"Oh God, I'll never be an officer. My parents were right, I'm just not good enough, it's not Lister's fault, I'm just not officer material." Rimmer wailed.

"Let's get him down to quarantine, we'll put him in the room next to Gemma's. For some reason he's getting depressed about failing his exams." Kochanski said, more to keep her mind occupied than anything else.

"He's finally realising he's stupid." Cat replied.

When they had left Rimmer in the room, weeping quietly to himself Cat and Kochanski decided to look in on Gemma. She was sitting on the bed in the room, talking to Holly whose face had appeared on the mirror.

"So Kryten sent you to spy on me?" she asked.

"Something like that. You won't try to do me any harm, I'm only a computer." Holly explained, while he was poised on his switch off command to get away if anything got ugly.

"The only person I wanted to kill was Kochanski. I wasn't interested in anyone else." Gemma said. She felt emotionally drained and more exhausted than she could remember ever feeling before.

"Do you remember what happened?" Holly asked.

"Yes. I was six. That was the year before my mother tried to re-sit the entrance exam. When she failed, she started getting grumpy and stopped talking to me. That memory was the start of everything that screwed my life up." Gemma mumbled.

"Do you still want to kill her?"

"If she walked in, I would rip her head off, remove her intestines and use them as a skipping rope." Gemma replied, her voice and expression getting harder and more angry.

"That's a yes then."

"Yes."

"We don't know what caused it yet."

"I don't care any more. I've realised something."

"Being stuck in here and leaving the rest of the crew to fight has its perks?" Holly quipped, trying to lighten the mood.

"All my life I have been able to blame my parents for my miserable life with my father leaving my mother, my mother getting more and more obsessed with finding Red Dwarf. Now I've realised that my misery was not caused by my parents, but their misery was caused by me."

"Still is really. You've opened some can of worms turning up out of the blue and trying to kill your mother."

"Thanks for the support Holly. Just leave me alone. I'm not in the mood to fight with anyone any more. Bugger off." Gemma lay on her bed and turned away from Holly and stared at the wall.

Cat and Kochanski looked at each other, lost in their own thoughts. Cat was wondering where his leg wax had gone, and glad that Gemma had finally flipped so they could get rid of her. Kochanski knew there was a link between the outbursts and the attacks, but exactly how they were connected was impossible to tell so early. She just hoped that they would be able to work out how to reverse the personality change before it affected the entire crew.

Top of Form

Bottom of Form


	8. Memory Monster

**MEMORY MONSTER**

After watching Gemma's depression in the quarantine room, Cat and Kochanski walked to the Drive Room in silence, hoping that Kryten had managed to find something that would help them fight a small monster no one had seen. When they got there, they nodded at Kryten, who was holding a piece of paper, and trying not to look excited, and Lister, who still looked shell shocked from his brush with Rimmer.

"Why are we still trying to find this thing from the pod? Maybe your daughter and the idiot have just cracked." Cat complained.

"I found a mission statement in the pod." Kryten said.

"What does it say?" Kochanski asked.

"It says that the thing inside was a new type of warrior designed to hide from the enemy. It was made not to be picked up on any sort of bio scan."

"That explains why Holly couldn't find any life signs after it arrived." Lister guessed, getting more interested.

"Right, once it could sense people, it somehow concealed itself." Kochanski added, getting a picture of what they were fighting.

"Whenever it finds a victim, it bites, and makes the enemy soldiers turn on each other." Kryten explained.

"So that's what made those two attack you?" asked Cat, finally getting the idea.

"But why did Gemma attack Kris and Rimmer attack me?" Lister wanted to know.

"It sounds like it brings hate to the surface, increasing it until you want to kill." Kochanski guessed.

"I don't think it's hate, but a far more subtle emotion; resentment. Miss Gemma does not hate Miss Kochanski anymore, and Mr. Rimmer does not hate Mr. Lister." Kryten had spent the last half hour trying to work out how to explain these concepts, but the rest of the crew were getting the gist of things far quicker than he had imagined.

"I wouldn't bet on that. Remember when Lister was nearly force fed his own dirty sock pile a few days ago?" Cat pointed out, trying not to laugh at the memory.

"All I did was suggest that Napoleon may have worn women's underwear. He did wear those tights. But anyway, Kryten, you said it was some kind of warrior. What good is a warrior that doesn't actually kill anything?" Lister asked.

"Think about it. This monster makes people attack their own army, their own side. There would be no need to send in any troops, the enemy would kill themselves."

"And when they are separated from their target, they get depressed. Either way the troops would become useless." Holly appeared on the monitor, having just returned from the quarantine lab, where he had worked out why Gemma was depressed.

"Exactly." Kryten answered, feeling his elation drop now that everyone knew what was going on. He had enjoyed being the only one who understood it.

"So why was it shot into space? The thing seems like a nice idea to me." Lister added.

"The monster could not be controlled. The scientists who developed it were themselves bitten, and killed each other." Kryten supplied.

Cat got up from his seat and wandered towards the door, getting bored with the conversation.

"I want to go for a bath; the smell of my shower gel is starting to fade."

Kochanksi ran over and blocked his way to the door.

"You won't go anywhere until we've found a way to kill it."

"Shouldn't we separate, then there's no chance of us killing each other. I can't think of anyone I resent anyway, so I'll go see if I can lure it away from here so you can get out." Lister wanted to clear out Rimmer's things in case he never recovered, and he was hungry.

Kryten stood up and walked towards the door to block Lister.

"I think it would be a better idea if I go, sir. Mechanoids may be immune to the bite, and I am not programmed to harbour any negative feelings."

Lister agreed that sending Kryten would make more sense, but life was never that simple anymore, and Kryten was the smartest member of the crew. If they lost him, he didn't see what chance they would have with him, a navigation officer and a self centred moggy.

Kryten slowly walked along the corridors holding a bazookoid and a bio scan. He hoped that since he was not organic, the monster would not conceal itself around him. He heard Lister talking to him through his communicator.

"How you doing Kryten?"

"No signs of anything sir. That may be because it's not here, or that it considers me a victim and has concealed itself. There's no way of knowing which."

"Oh great. Just keep your eyes peeled."

"Yes sir."

Kryten wished Lister didn't sound so disheartened; it made him think even the terminally optimistic Liverpudlian had given up hope.

As he continued down the corridor, Kryten heard a snuffling noise behind him. He turned round, knowing he wouldn't see anything, and dreading what could happen. He felt a slight nip in his ankle joint, signalling that he had been bitten like the others. He fell against the wall, trying to block the memory the monster was forcing him to replay, but in his head rather than out loud.

"Sirs, I've been bitten. It appears that I am stronger than humans, but I can still feel my memory banks processing, which means it has found something it can use, but is taking longer. It's breaking through my memory block…I'm sorry sirs, I've failed you."

Kochanski spoke over the communicator.

"Try to fight it Kryten, this may be our only chance to kill it."

But it was too late. Kryten felt his files corrupting, forcing him to replay a memory in his head. He didn't feel angry, he felt hatred, the resentment growing until he felt the strongest urge to kill he had ever felt. He collapsed and felt the hatred fading to nothing, before he felt depressed. He had skipped a stage, and now all he wanted to do was curl up in a corner and shut himself down.

"Kryten? Kryten are you OK?" Lister's voice came through a mist of depression. Kryten forced himself to stand up and dragged himself in the direction of quarantine, sobbing loudly.

"Miss Kochanski will take you away from me, I know she will. She has all those in and out bits that are so popular with human males. I'm going to wallow in self pity in the quarantine deck, sir. Try to find a way to kill the monster, and keep Miss Perfect Body Kochanski out of my way."

Back in the Drive Room, Kochanski, Lister and Cat stared at each other, feeling the hope drain away like dirty water down a drain.

"Smeg!! I thought mechanoids would be safe, the monster was meant for human battles." Lister said, kicking the console then hopping around the room nursing what felt like a broken toe.

"I guess it was made for battles against simulants as well." Kochanski mumbled, staring into space.

"Then why didn't he relive the memory like the other two?" Cat asked.

"I expect since he was alone, it wasn't needed. Or the way his brain works meant the monster was forcing the memory to replay inside his head." Holly guessed, wondering how he would survive alone again once the crew had been turned into manic depressives. He wondered whether Talkie Toaster was still on the ship and in one piece.

Kochanski started to get over the shock and tried to think of a way they could fight the monster.

"It looks like our only chance is to send out someone who doesn't resent any other member of the crew."

"That counts me out." Lister replied. He still resented Kochanski a little for dumping him and going back to Tim. If it wasn't for her, he would be happily wandering around in heaven, having died in the accident instead of buying Frankenstein and getting himself stuck in stasis.

"Me too." Kochanski admitted. She hadn't forgiven Lister for losing the linkway to get her back to her own dimension, and her own Lister, where she had been happy.

Cat thought about whether he resented either of the other two, but couldn't think of anything.

"The only thing I resent is this little monster thing. Do you realise that I have missed two naps, a shower and a meal thanks to this mosquito on a power trip? And I still haven't found my leg wax!"

The other two took a few seconds to register what Cat had said. They turned to him, wondering if he realised what this meant for the crew.

"Why didn't you tell us before?" Lister practically yelled.

"About my leg wax? I did!"

"No, about you resenting this thing we're fighting. You can kill it." Kochanski replied. Lister was already reaching for the last bazookoid and communicator and thrusting them in Cat's direction.

"Hey, I am not getting any stains on this suit. I just made this suit and it's my new favourite suit." Cat tried to refuse the things Lister was giving him, and didn't notice the communicator being slipped into his pocket.

"If you get bitten, you'll be able to kill the monster. Don't you see you are our only chance of fighting it?" Lister insisted, throwing the weapon into the corridor as Kochanski pushed the protesting feline towards the door.

"I'm your last chance? You're doomed buddy!" Cat replied, but he had already been forced into the corridor and the door locked behind him, stranding him in the corridor with nothing but a bazzokoid for company.

"Hey, let me in!"

"We will once you've killed it." Lister voice came through from the other side of the door, in the safety of the Drive Room.

"There goes your Christmas card." Cat mumbled as he picked up the weapon and stalked off down the corridor, liking the day less by the minute.

"I can't believe they did this to me. I got a good mind just to go for that shower anyway. They won't catch me."

Cat jumped as Kochanski's voice came from his pocket.

"Yes we will Cat, we gave you a communicator."

"Nuts."

Cat heard a scuffling from behind him and turned round to face the monster, knowing what would happen. He felt a bite on his ankle and collapsed, feeling the growing resentment turn to hate, and fury.

"The only thing I resent is this little monster thing. Do you realise that I have missed two naps, a shower and a meal thanks to this mosquito on a power trip? And I still haven't found my leg wax!"

Cat sniffed the air, then knelt down and followed a trail round the corner, leaving his weapon behind, and found himself face to face with what looked like a large white rat with grey eyes, and small teeth. It moved stiffly, as if it was a mechanoid, but was warm like an organic form. Cat crept up behind it silently and pounced, grabbing the rat by its long tail. He stood up and threw the rat against the wall, and it fell to the ground, stunned. He picked it up again and ran down the corridor back to the Drive Room.

When Lister saw Cat running down the corridor from the window in the door, he threw the switch to open the door and stood back. Cat ran in, hitting a huge rat against a console before stuffing it in a garbage disposal and flushing the thing into space. Instantly Cat slowed down, his angry look softened, and he stood still in the middle of the room, catching his breath. Cat came to his senses, realised what he had down, and started dancing round the room.

"I did it!! I killed the monster and saved the ship!!"

"Well done, Cat. Now let's get down to quarantine and free the others."

"I'm on it babe. Cat has got you covered!"

The three remaining crew wandered down to quarantine, Cat swaggering in front of the other two, checking the corridors before they got round them, feeling brave.

Kochanski went to the third room, where Kryten had locked himself, and opened the door. He stepped out to greet her, looking sheepish and embarrassed.

"Thank you Miss Kochanski. How can you ever forgive me?"

"Don't worry Kryten, I'll take it out on you later with high voltage electricity."

Lister walked to Gemma's room, and let her out.

"Thanks guys. Sorry I went a bit psycho on you there." Gemma was apologetic for the first time since she decided to stay with the mismatched group of space travellers.

"No problem, we'll take the mick out of you for a few years, you won't be apologising for long after that." replied Lister, feeling almost affectionate towards her.

"Lister, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"How did you feel about my mother?"

"I loved her for years. Still do in a way. And if she had told me she was pregnant, I would have left Red Dwarf, gone back to Earth and married her."

"Thanks. I kind of thought that's what you'd say."

Gemma had realised that Lister was a good guy who watched out for his friends and crew members, but that didn't explain why her mother had felt she couldn't tell him she was leaving the ship. Gemma had finally made peace with her mother, but the resentment she had felt had been replaced with a burning desire to find out why her father had never had the chance to know her growing up.

Lister and Gemma reached the room where Rimmer was being held, and Cat was preparing to let him out.

"You sure we have to let him out? Maybe we should give him another few years to cool off."

"Let him out Cat." Lister insisted.

"Oh all right, but don't say I didn't offer."

Cat opened the door, and Rimmer stepped out, holding one hand behind his back and glaring at Cat.

"It's about time. I only have one thing to say to you Cat."

"I am NOT going out on a date with you, no matter how gorgeous you think I am. And brave, now that I have saved your worthless butt."

"Not that. Thank you for saving the crew."

Kryten looked at the rest of the crew, resisting the urge to clean out his aural receptors.

"Did Mr. Rimmer just say thank you? Does that monster change a person's personality for good?"

Rimmer ignored Kryten and brought his hand out in front him, revealing a small jar.

"My leg wax!!" Cat cried.

"I found it in the shower cubicle in there."

"I must have showered there recently. Thanks man."

Cat grabbed the jar, then grabbed Rimmer in a hug, much to everyone's surprise and Rimmer's obvious disgust. Cat let go, then stepped away, realising what he had done.

"Uummm…pretend I didn't do that."

"Already forgotten. Not quite sure what you're talking about there, Cat."

"I got to go shower human odour away."

Cat scampered down the corridor to have a shower to end all showers, and maybe a brain scan.

The rest of the crew watched him go, chuckling at his display of affection for Rimmer. Gemma turned to face them.

"I just want to apologise. Sorry I've been such a bitch to you since I arrived."

Lister was now beginning to wonder what affects the monster had on people as Gemma continued, obviously uncomfortable.

"I've been blaming you lot for all my problems, but you had nothing to do with them. I'm sorry I didn't try to fit in, and promise I'll try to be friendly. Friendlier anyway, and helpful."

Kochanski smiled at the girl in front of her, realising that the memory had done more than bring out deep buried resentment in her.

"Don't worry about it, Gemma, I understand your reaction to Lister, god knows mine was similar."

"And people often want to skewer Mr. Rimmer when they first meet him." Kryten piped up, ignoring the murderous look directed at him.

"Yeah, we all look out for each other around here, even the ones we don't get on with. That's part of being a crew member." Lister grinned.

Gemma grinned back, feeling more and more content with her situation.

"So I'm a Dwarfer?"

"Absolutely." Lister replied.

"Yep, you're one of us now, so you're doomed." Rimmer added.

"Thanks."

Gemma walked back to the nearest bar for a well deserved drink, feeling truly wanted and part of a family for the first time in her life. No matter what happened in the future, this band of social outcasts and misfits would be her family, and she would do anything to protect them and help them get back to Earth.

**Thanks to everyone who read my stories, I hope you've enjoyed them. There are still one or two scripts that haven't been covered, and a few ideas I haven't finished with yet, so I hope to write more in the not too distant future. **


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